5 Worst Places To Have A Threesome In Newport, RI

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If you’re about to have a ménages à trois in any of these locations, please don’t.

In an age where the taboos are few and far between, the threesome remains a far better indicator of how “Up For Anything” you are than drinking a Bud Light ever will be. Of course, pretty much anyone would be up for sex with two people of their choosing…say…Brad Pitt and George Clooney if you’re a woman or [any two women] if you’re a guy.

Like most things having to do with sex, the biggest problems that arise don’t happen before or during the act, but in its aftermath, with women bearing a larger brunt of regrets than the men, especially if they’re in a relationship. No matter how open-minded everyone claimed to be going into the bedroom, jealousies tend to arise and someone ends up feeling like Ross…



Without further ado, here are the 5 worst places in Newport to have a threesome.

5. The Men’s Room At Pour Judgment

That is not a space designed for three people. First you have to play a game of 3-D Twister to get everyone in position and then no sooner do things finally get going than someone knocks on the door every 3 minutes saying they “have to take a dump”. Then if you can close your eyes and block out all the conversation outside the door about what’s happening inside the door, you have to endure all these comments about a “clown car” when the three of you open the door and walk out…assuming you can figure out how to open the door with three of you in there.

4. Waite’s Wharf Parking Lot

Waite’s Wharf is a busy spot in the summer and after hitting up all the local watering holes, you might be able to convince the other two that no one will bother to see anything, but you’ll still be wrong. Cars bounce enough with two people in them. A whole other person doing some thrusting means that you’re going to be seeing a bunch of iPhone flashlights and then some flashes and then you’re going to end up with some more of those regrets we mentioned before, because even if you have no shame, you’re going to get some grief from someone who you were just inside.

Also: drones.

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