5 Worst Places To Have A Threesome In Newport, RI

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3. 15 Meeting Street

15 Meeting Street

Look, there are some things that you’re never going to be able to unsee, so while $13.54 in loose change and half a pack of assorted cigarettes may seem like a treasure now, you’re going to have to drink even more rotgut vodka in an attempt to forget about what’s going to happen than you are to make it seem like a good idea in the first place.

2. Motel 6

Motel 6



Threesomes are all fun and games until someone assaults you and smashes your stuff. Newport Patch reports:

Newport Police charged Kathryn *******, 20, of *******, Texas, with domestic simple assault and domestic vandalism on New Year’s Day for allegedly assaulting a girlfriend during an argument in a Newport hotel room.

Police said they were dispatched to the Motel 6 at 199 Connell Highway for a report of a disturbance between two females.

Police said [Kathryn] bit and struck the victim during the argument. She also allegedly broke a cell phone and laptop computer.

Police said the argument began after the victim confronted [Kathryn] about e-mail messages she allegedly sent to a man that the two women had sexual relations with two nights before.

Who under the age of 65 contacts anyone for sex using e-mail? That’s just weird and a scene best avoided.

The two women had been in a monogamous relationship up until [Kathryn] invited the unknown man for the sexual encounter on Dec. 30, according to a police report.

So once again, it’s that textbook scenario where the threesome they thought was going to be so exciting ended up badly, especially because at least one of them is 20 and if there’s any group known for emotional stability, it’s 20 year old lesbians who are willing to double up on a guy in at the Motel 6.

1. Pineapple Inn

pineapple-inn

If there’s a part of threesomes best avoided more than assaults, it’s meth lab explosions. You know the drill. You’re going to town with your two naked pals and you’re finally in your rhythm and so are they. Everything is happening exactly how you dreamed when all of a sudden “BOOM!!!” the room next to you explodes, which is distracting in its own right, but then some guy engulfed in flames leaps through their window and rolls around on the grass outside screaming in agony and just creating the conditions that it is pretty much impossible to perform under.

To make matters worse, no sooner do you block the screams out of your head, then a whole bunch of sirens and flashing lights show up along with big hunky men who keep questioning your sanity for staying in a building where one of the rooms is on fire, while you question their sanity because you’re in the middle of a threesome and really, if you have to go, it might as well be while you’re doing that.

Now, to be fair, it’s been about a year since any meth labs were discovered at the Pineapple Inn…although that could just mean that they’re due.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast French Correspondent

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Tristan's just this guy, ya know?