Coventry Contractor Caught Carrying Crack, Choking Chicken

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He was wearing WHAT?

This is how the arrest went down. Patrolman Long, the officer who arrested Zammarelli in the 2008 incident, recognized the name, the van and the registration and decided to investigate Coventry’s serial masturbator.

Long, in an unmarked patrol car, ventured to the area and quickly spotted the van in the CVS lot. He parked and watched the vehicle, which had nobody in the driver’s seat and “a blue sheet hung from the cieling of the van, separating the front seats from the rear passenger area,” according to a police report.

Police believed that Zammarelli might be in the back of the van and masturbating as he watched people go in and out of the store. Backup was dispatched Long continued to watch the van, noticing that “moved from time to time” as if someone was inside. The van would “rock slightly as people walked in the vicinity of the van,” according to the report.

The police approached the van, only to discover Zammarelli in a “one-piece black leotard with his genitals fully exposed”. Don’t think about that too hard. Don’t let that image form in your head.

According to police, Zammarelli was masturbating “feverishly” which, to be honest, leads a lot of room for interpretation. We’re not aware of a legal scale of mastibatory ferocity, so we’re not quite clear where “feverishly” fits.


Police announced their presence and ordered Zammarelli to get dressed, (which is always an awkward conversation). We’re not sure if any of the cops reflexively asked “Are you on crack?”, because, as it turns out, yes…yes he was. While no one but Zammarelli (and maybe his dealer) know how much crack he smoked during this endeavor, the police found a rock of crack that weighed in at 4.8 grams. According to the Internet, the typical dose of crack is 100-200 mg…so that’s a lot of crack. A whack amount of crack, if you will.

And just to add a little uncomfortable cherry on top of this story, Coventry police also found a “large quantity” of women’s underwear in the van. Once again, we’re not sure how that translates into a legal scale, but if you’re a lady (or gentleman, no judgement) who’s recently discovered that your panties have disappeared, they’re most likely in the evidence locker of the Coventry Police Department.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Drugstore Correspondent

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Tristan's just this guy, ya know?