Why Everyone On Facebook LOVES Your Breakup…

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What to do…

  • Try not to drink too goddamn much. That’s an unlikely outcome but worth throwing out. Drinking and being dumped leads to bad decision making.
  • Don’t super-sexy yourself. You’re not Stella. We all know that you’re not about to get your groove back.
  • Do hit the gym. This is a great alternative to the couch.
  • Stay away from Bitter Single Groups on Facebook. Alternatively, hang out in them all you want but don’t share those posts. You’re just scaring away your best potential suitors and paving the way for bottom-feeders who will abuse you and suck up your potential.


Vultures don’t care about You or Your Feelings

They’re either trying to get a hold of your body, your money or manipulate you to control your emotions. Losing a serious relationship sucks, but the goal needs to be to avoid compounding the problem.

Just don’t eat too much.

Alternatively…

Break Up Ice Cream

Just ignore everything that we’ve just said. We don’t really care if you run your life into the ground and your misery creates disdain for you from those around you. It’s none of our business. Eat all the ice cream you want.

In Conclusion

Pretty much every single person you know wants your relationship to fail through a combination of jealousy that they don’t have someone who loves them and people who are jealous that someone else gets to have sex with you.

One a somewhat related note, Newport’s tallest restaurant manager is now single, so if you like guys over 6′ 10″ that’s an option. We’d point out some of Newport’s more eligible bachelorettes, but we’re pretty sure they’d shoot us for it, no matter how “Auditory” they might be.

Just don’t put anything on Facebook until you have your crap together…or don’t feel a crushing need for attention and adoration…or…well crap…that’s what Facebook’s there for.

-Tristan Pinnock. Blast Relationship Correspondent


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Tristan's just this guy, ya know?