Five Reasons To Skip Tonight’s Wasted Talent Show

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Newport, RI’s long-running stand-up comedy series continues tonight at Hope’s Underground. Beware.

The Wasted Talent Show returns to Newport tonight, as it does the last Friday of every month. Doors open at 7pm. Here’s five reasons why you shouldn’t go:

1. It’ll make you gay (if you’re a straight dude).

abs_25

It’s only been documented a couple times, but exposure to Doug Key’s abs has caused heterosexual men to run out the door screaming “I have to re-evaluate my life” only to have them turn up in Provincetown all of the next summer. This doesn’t happen all the time, as Doug typically wraps his midriff with a lead vest, but accidents do happen and the wrong move could leave all the straight girls and gay boys screaming like all the girls who ever saw The Beatles, while the guys and lesbians will live the rest of their lives in a fog where they’re constantly questioning their own sexuality.

2. Mike Recine might ask you why you don’t have a boyfriend.

If you’re a single lady, there’s a good chance that you were interrogated about this “relationship status” by your family at yesterday’s Thanksgiving dinner. (If not, have no fear, they’ve probably just given up hope.) Regardless, once was enough for this weekend. You don’t want to risk finding yourself in the situation where a guy who appeared on CONAN is asking you the same damn question.

3. Gary Peterson’s Dad

We’re not sure if Gary is still living with the old man, but chances are that Gary at least saw him yesterday and there’s a good chance a pencil was involved. Plus Gary is obviously Doug’s cheap knock-off of Apple’s PC guy. Expect him to start his set by saying “Hi, I’m a Lenovo.”

4. Kenice Mobley may know Allston, but what does she know about Newport?

Kenice may have written and produced the web series Allston Xmas, but does Boston comedy really translate well to Rhode Island? Allston is 75 miles from Newport, in a different state. Newporters can barely comprehend what it is to live in Cranston (Why does your town go so far inland? Does that mean you have to drive from your mansions to your yachts?)

5. You were in the Portsmouth High School Class of 2005.

Word on the street is that Doug Key is doing a yearbook roast of his classmates tonight. Doug may be a halfway decent comedian, but once you’re back with high school folks, old habits die hard. We expect things to go a little like this:

So there you go. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Comedy Correspondent


Tristan’s just this guy, ya know?