Five Ways The Patriots Were Obviously Cheating Against The Steelers

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5. Bill Belichick has a towel

Belichick Towel


Because “Bill Laffey”, the froopy Bill Belichick really knows where his towel is. Unlike your typical Giants fan, Belichick has probably read The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy and knows the value of a towel.

Just about the most massively useful thing any interstellar Hitchhiker can carry. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you — daft as a brush, but very very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course you can dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: nonhitchhiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet-weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitchhiker might accidentally have “lost.” What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

Hence a phrase which has passed into hitch hiking slang, as in “Hey, you sass that hoopyFord Prefect? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is.”

Of course, if the NFL only knew why Belichick was forgoing his NFL-approved, NFL-provided waterproof Gore-Tex for a towel, they’d probably ban that too.

So there you have it…

It’s truly unfair that other teams in the NFL have to play in an environment where the Patriots are flouting the rules to give themselves such an advantage. There are things that can be done about this immediately. Roger Goodell should order that the NFL remove Gronk’s femurs.

Ben Roethlisberger should granted full rule-making ability…in true NFL fashion, which means he’ll have the ability to make rules and dictate punishments before and during games, as well as the ex post facto aspect that Goodell relies on.

Belichick should be kept towel-less any time he’s on the field. He’ll just have to let all that Gatorade that’s dumped on him by the players dry by itself.

As for Brady, Goodell just needs to end his appeal against the guy. After that, all of Brady’s swearing should be the vent to bring him back to his good-natured self.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Patriots Correspondent

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Tristan's just this guy, ya know?