Newport To Host “Halfway To St. Patrick’s Day” Parade

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So what should one expect from the Halfway To St.Patrick’s Day Parade?

Wst-patricks-day-party-girls-sexy-11ell, we’re thinking there’s going to be a lot of green…but less than you see in March. This is mostly because people wear less clothing in September than they do in March, on account of it being 75º instead of 50º. The other big difference is that most people will be quite a bit darker than they were coming out of the winter, so you’ll need sunglasses because of the ball of fire in the sky instead of catching a flash of someone’s thigh.

As far as people’s attitudes are concerned, we’re not sure what the mood will be. After all, the St. Patrick’s Day Parade is sort-of the end of Newport’s winter hibernation. Everyone’s happy to get out of the house. In September, people are suffering from alcohol exhaustion. They’ve been out for the last 133 days straight. Their liver is about to pull the ejection handle and bail out on them. It’s like asking someone to sprint the 40 yard dash after running a marathon.

The most absolutely money spot to watch the Halfway Parade?

Smoke_House_Cafe_NewportThe Smoke House. Sitting right on America’s Cup Avenue, it would be an awesome spot to watch the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, if it weren’t closed for the winter. That spot will be absolutely amazing to sit at the bar and watch everyone march by. 6′ 10″ manager Luke Devine is really looking forward to it. “I may be busy with a packed house, but any moment I want to see the parade, I’ll just have to glance outside and I’ll have a full view of five fire engines, three high school bands and about 1500 Irishmen. It’s going to be the best thing ever!” said Luke, displaying his endless optimism.

Halfway To St. Patrick's Day Parade FB Event

Oh, and one last thing…


Yeah, sorry. None of this is true. We’re guessing that it may be the most disappointment many of you will feel today.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast April Fools Correspondent

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Tristan's just this guy, ya know?