Newport, RI Starbucks Goes All ‘Desperate Housewives’

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38 Year-Old Woman Attacks Ex-Husband’s Fiance With Hot Cup Of Tea.

Starbucks is typically a locale of upper-middle-class suburban tranquility, where folks with more money than sense drop $4-5 on pumpkin lattes, safe in the knowledge that the violence that afflicts select chunks of American society is far, far away (usually).

Unfortunately Newport Patch reports that our very own Starbucks, located on Thames, next to the picturesque Queen Anne Square, was a scene of an assault Thursday evening.

Newport Police charged Rocio Schiller, 38, of Frisco, Tx., with simple assault Thursday evening after she allegedly dumped a cup of hot tea over the head of her ex-husband’s fiancée at the Starbucks on Thames Street.

Police said they were dispatched to the Starbucks at around 7:19 p.m. for a report an assault and found the victim with wet hair and a wet jacket. She told police she was accompanying her boyfriend for a meeting with Schiller to talk about family issues following a Family Court appearance earlier in the day.

Well, if Schiller wasn’t happy about her last time in court, she’s really not going to like the next one.

Schiller reportedly was upset that the fiancée had come to the meeting and at one point, stood up and dumped her hot tea over the victim’s head before storming out and driving away in her red Toyota Prius.

A PRIUS? Of course she made her getaway in the most Starbucks car available.

Police eventually caught up with Schiller on Memorial Boulevard.

She claimed that she stumbled while leaving the Starbucks and accidentally spilled her tea.

Now we have no way of knowing the circumstances of this couple’s divorce, but it’s very possible that the ex-husband may have tripped, fallen and accidentally penetrated his now-fiance. These things happen. No one knows how to walk these days, staring at their cellphones and such.

But the incident was captured on surveillance video, police said, and Schiller was arrested without incident.

Or not.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Coffee Correspondent

Tristan’s just this guy, ya know?