Our Exclusive Interview With The Santa Claus

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St. Nick gets honest about Mrs. Claus and dishes the dirt on the world’s toy companies.

What if I told you Santa Claus was real, would you believe me? What if I told you I talked to him, would you believe that? Well I believe it, although I could be wrong because now that I think about it, I don’t even have a chimney in my apartment…

Oh well, read on, and Merry Christmas!

NB: First of all, let me thank you for taking the time out of your busy merry making schedule to talk with me.

SC: Are you kidding me? It’s not a problem. The elves do all the work now. Me? I really only work one day a year, even though the workshop is operating all day every day.

NB: Yeah but isn’t it a lot of work managing all those little guys?

SC: First off, NEVER let them hear you call them that. They will punish your shins my friend. Secondly, no. Honestly, if any other business were able to harness the power of these elves, they’d be the first company to gross a trillion dollars in a year. However, they have are entered in pact at birth, that their powers are only to be used to spread merriment and joy. Toys, trinkets, and treasures, where else are they going to work? Target? Ho-Ho-Ho, I don’t think so!

NB: Ok, so what do I say to everyone out there that will never believe that we are actually speaking right now?

SC: I’d tell them to grow up! Do you really think your parents had all of the money to spend on all of the stupid things you asked for when you were a child? Do you really think they decided to buy you that bebe gun? Of course not! But since you asked for it, and you were not naughty, it got to you somehow. The reality of it is I exist inside each and every one of you. I am the spirit of gift giving. And without that, what I do wouldn’t be possible.

NB: Wow, I didn’t realize that’s how it worked. Honestly, it’s so hard to believe you even exist. You operate in an area where no one ever travels, and not many are familiar with. Have you ever thought about finding a spot outside of the north pole? I mean, Santa’s Workshop would be an amazing tourist destination, rivaling the likes of DisneyWorld without a doubt.

SC: Well I could never say I’m better than Walt! The Misses and I spend a lot of time down in Florida, in and out of Disney parks all year. She says it’s the only place that makes her feel real, and I have to agree with her, But as for moving out of the North Pole, I’d have to be crazy! With how volently crazy copyright, and trademark law is, I’m much better off staying in a place that’s sort of an “international waters” type situation.

Learn more about the challenges Santa faces…

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Dennis Hofer was born in Newport Hospital. If you don’t know him, someone you know does. He’s a master of loading Pez Dispensers, self proclaimed connoisseur of chicken parm sandwiches, and always good for a joke or six. If you see him drinking a hefeweizen, please tell him to just go home. High fives for reading this far.