Where Is RI’s Most Notorious Masturbator?

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Timothy B. Stanley must be stopped before he spanks again.

The Lincoln Police Department is attempting to locate a suspect who had a tug of war with Cyclops in front of a female while at the Twin River Casino in Lincoln, R.I.

At approximately 10 PM on Sunday, February 19, a female patron was sitting in her vehicle in the parking lot waiting for her mother and not a grown man furiously pounding his pud. Unfortunately, what she got was the latter, as Timothy Stanley allegedly approached her vehicle and moved to the driver’s side window before breaking out his one-eyed trouser snake and bucking the slobbering donkey.

The female victim then quickly drove away and contacted Casino Security.

Which is the obvious response to any guy flogging the bishop in a casino parking lot. Casinos are full of creeps and weirdos as it is, so women are going to be on edge. There is no other response to shaking the creamer besides “I’M GTFO OF HERE!”

Timothy B. Stanley is 6’4″ (which according to the RI’s Most Wanted website is “medium”) and has an unkempt beard and mustache and longer hair than in the photograph, which seems for fitting for someone who’d plunk his twanger in public then the relatively clean-cut photo provided above. He has known addresses in Foxborough and North Attleborough, MA and Cumberland, RI, but is likely living with a girlfriend somewhere in Massachusetts. (That’s right. In a blow to desperate guys everywhere, Rhode Island’s most infamous public pudwhacker has a girl.)

He is currently wanted by Lincoln PD on an active warrant for Disorderly Conduct because “Punching the Munchkin” isn’t actually on the books.

If you happen to see Timothy Stanley roughing up his suspect, do not tell him to stop dating Miss Michigan. Rather call Det. Sean Gorman at the Lincoln Police Department at 401-333-1111 x8486 and tell him you’ve found the gherkin jerker he’s been looking for.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Self-Abuse Correspondent


Tristan’s just this guy, ya know?