Should Snowmen Be Banned From Parade Day?

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(Trigger Warning) Should Newporters be forced to relive such a traumatic winter when celebrating St. Patrick’s Day?

For those of you who haven’t been keeping track, this winter started exactly forever ago and is supposed to be wrapping up in about three weeks (but could go on for the rest of our lives).

Typically, we’re usually all done with winter by the time Parade Day rolls around…but there have been occasions in recent memory where the parade was held when there’s still been snow on the ground. We have our fingers crossed that this isn’t one of them.

This winter has dealt a lot of mental trauma to Newporters (and New Englanders in general). Despite the fact that none of us were actually asking the question “How long can it be cold and snowy for?”, we’ve received the answer. For most of us, the long road to recovery is going to involve a lot of drinking through at least the summer months, starting immediately, but really kicking in on Parade Day.

The problem is this guy (shown here in 2012):

Freaky The Scary Snowman

Now we don’t know if he’s planning on showing up for the parade, but he has shown up in the past and we’re guessing he’s going to show up again.

Here he is again in 2014:

So there people will be, half in the bag, convinced that the horror of this year’s winter is behind them…and all of a sudden a snowy terror shows up and drags their souls back to the dark and scary part of their psyche. It will be a U-turn and a “Back To Start” on the road to recovery as life becomes cold and gray again.

There are two possible solutions.

1) An outright ban on snowmen.

2) This…

Stan Chugs Jameson

 

…which is what a lot of you are going to spend Parade Day doing anyway.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Winter Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?