Six Guys NOT To Be On Parade Day

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The St. Patrick’s Day Parade is a great time to party in Newport, but it doesn’t mean you want to be one of these cliches.

There are a lot of guys that you shouldn’t be on any day, let alone Parade Day. That’s pretty simple. Don’t murder people. Don’t beat your kids. This is more about warning otherwise good people away from becoming annoying, awkward or creepy stereotypes that we’ve all encountered the Saturday of or before March 17th in Newport, Rhode Island.

1. The “I’ve got a baby with me but I can still party” guy.

Carlos HangoverHey, we’re not saying you can’t be a dad and still party, but there’s no need to bring junior along for the ride. I think we can all agree that the “Allen from The Hangover” look is not good for any occasion.

If you’re planing on stashing a flask in your baby carrier, maybe splurge for a babysitter, or keep it in moderation. When you’re staggering with a baby, everyone notices…

 

2. The “I started drinking at 8am, it’s currently midnight, I’m still going, and can’t stop bragging about it” guy

Listen, no one is impressed. So you drank in moderation, kept it below a certain level, and you’re still capable of communicating with other human beings, good for you!

Clapping

But responsible session drinking isn’t something to brag about. Like Chris Rock said, “That’s what you’re supposed to do! What you want a cookie?” While we definitely condone drinking safely and responsibly, bragging about moderate drinking, ESPECIALLY on Parade Day, makes you the Brian Williams of drinking. You may have been nearby, but you weren’t THERE man!

 

3. The “I never stopped drinking the night before, so figured I’d check out this parade thing” guy

faint_zpsa0f37ed2Dude, you blew it. Just go to bed, and come back next year. Otherwise the rest of the day is going to be one big uphill battle that you will not win.

Drinking at 8am is acceptable on Parade Day. Being blacked out at 7:45am? Kinda frowned upon. So the night before, why not take in a film, or catch up with House of Cards, or Fuller House, and leave the heavy drinking for ALL DAY Saturday.

 

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Dennis Hofer was born in Newport Hospital. If you don’t know him, someone you know does. He’s a master of loading Pez Dispensers, self proclaimed connoisseur of chicken parm sandwiches, and always good for a joke or six. If you see him drinking a hefeweizen, please tell him to just go home. High fives for reading this far.