Six Things That New Englanders Now Consider “Good News”

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You know things are bad when these count as “The Bright Side”.

Things have taken a cruel turn this winter and we’re amazed at what people pass off as good news. It’s as if someone’s telling you that the good news is that your best friend was “only shot twice” or “at least 10% of your house didn’t burn down.”

1. It’s cold enough that the snow will be light and powdery, so we don’t have to worry about losing power.

14-snowfencepreAwesome. Of course, because it’s light and powdery, there will also be snow drifts in the middle of the road for the next two days. It’s also 10 degrees out and gusting up to 50 mph so all the weather forecasts keep flashing insane things like “-25°” whenever they get the chance.

2. Hitting that pothole knocked the snow out of your wheel well.

Snow Chunk 1

New Englanders aren’t happy unless they’ve got something to gripe about, so everyone should be very happy when they realize that we’ve got a whole bitchfest pre-loaded about how terrible the roads are just waiting for the moment that the ground isn’t covered in X feet of snow.

In fact, we should appreciate how all this snow is filling a whole lot of massive potholes with a fluffy cushion that’s saving your suspensions for May or whenever the thaw is coming.

3. There’s another storm coming, so you don’t have to worry about washing your car.

Nothing says “Don’t worry about what your car looks like” like tons of sand and salt all over your daily commute. Sure, your vehicle may have enough salt on it that the plastic parts are starting to rust, but at least you’re saving $12 at the car wash.

4. Your skin is so pasty that you don’t have to worry about turning on the light when you get up at night to go to the bathroom.

Irish Girl SunbathingHere’s a fun fact: People in Florida don’t actually wear sunglasses when New Englanders aren’t around.

(Actually, no, we don’t have anything we can back that up with.)

5. All your neighbors parking in the spot you shovelled out means lots of savings on this years Christmas cards.

The best way to educate people who don’t know what a folding chair on the side of the road means is a shovel to the face.

6. No one notices the weight you’re putting on because everyone is wearing five layers.

The calories you’re burning in a couple hours of shoveling aren’t going to offset all the calories being consumed by your roommate who asks “Should I bake cookies or brownies?” every time you’re snowed in…because in case no one has noticed, we’re always snowed in…and if you’re not snowed in, you’re at the bar in a desperate bid to drink these feelings of hopelessness away.

Self-Awareness

It’s important to realize where normal is and where you actually are, so if you find yourself passing off what would be considered tragic and horrible to even the person you were three months ago as the net positive, make sure to recognize how rough a time we’ve been through.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Optimism Correspondent

 

Tristan’s just this guy, ya know?