The Five Most Common Reasons Why People Make Bomb Threats

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After four days of bomb threats against local schools, an explanation of what motivates people to do this kind of thing.

When a threat of violence is made against any school, we’d argue that the safest place to be is likely in that school. Historically, when people do actually carry out acts of violence, they don’t actually phone in warnings ahead of time. If you’re a psycho who’s going to go on a shooting spree, the last thing you want to do is make it harder for yourself to kill people.

Likewise, the chances that a bomb threat is actually going to reveal a bomb are almost nonexistent. The reason, once again, is that the people who want to gain the reaction from calling in the threat are unlikely to want to go to the effort of actually building and placing a bomb.

There was a time and place when bomb threats actually meant something, but that was in the UK during “The Troubles”, when the IRA would actually plant bombs, then call them in so that the authorities would have to evacuate the area and disarm them. Interestingly, the IRA would give the British authorities code-words to let them know that it was actually them…and not just somebody calling up the police to have a laugh, because they realized that if there were too many false alarms, their threats would end up being ignored.

We’re now on the fourth day of a bomb threat being made against Newport’s Rogers High School, though today threats were also made against Thompson Middle School and Middletown High School, resulting, once again, in evacuations.

It looks like Aquidneck Island schools are the targets of a mysterious organization called The Evacuator Group, who use stolen VOIP accounts to phone in bomb threats to schools across the world. But what motivates The Evacuator Group?

According to the website Small Penis Research, these are the five most common reasons that someone makes a bomb threat…

1.MICROPENIS

If you’re part of the 0.6% of men who have a micropenis, there’s a good chance that you’re walking through life with a chip on your shoulder.

A common criterion is a dorsal (measured on top) erect penile length of at least 2.5 standard deviations smaller than the meanhuman penis size, or smaller than about 7 cm (2 34 in) for an adult when compared to an average erection of 12.5 cm (5 in). The condition is usually recognized shortly after birth. The term is most often used medically when the rest of the penis, scrotum, and perineum are without ambiguity, such as hypospadias. Micropenis occurs in about 0.6% of males.

Calling in a bomb threat gives the individual with a micropenis the feeling of power and potency that their lives have lacked for so long.

2. CHODE

One of the great hardships of having an actual chode is growing up with people shouting the term around you randomly, never knowing whether anyone knows your shameful secret or whether they’re tossing the term out as a generic insult.

A small squat penis, “with greater width than length.”  Jonathon Green supposes it may have arisen from  the archaic ‘choaty’, meaning chubby.

3.PENCIL DICK

The opposite of a chode. The pencil dick has a girth deficiency, so while the length may be average, the width typically results in lots of questions about whether it’s actually “in yet”.

4.CHORDEE

Chordee is a downward curve of the penis when erect, meaning that even when it’s “up”, it’s not. This contradiction creates a rage that is eventually directed toward society as a whole.

5.BURIED PENIS

A condition caused by morbid obesity where the belly fat literally covers the penis. If you thought the shame of being fat in America was bad, imagine how it feels to be so fat that your very best friend now hides from you.

That means that someone suffering from this condition will find themselves lashing out when those around them least expect it, because any comment about being fat is a reminder that their favorite joystick has gone underground.

So if everyone could just make like the ladies and not bother giving these guys the time of day, let alone respond to their empty threats, the sooner they’ll just…go away.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Terrorism Correspondent

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