The Five Worst Places To Propose In Newport, RI

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4. Audrain Auto Museum


Cars are cool. The cars at the Audrain Auto Museum are AWESOME. That said, no matter how much of a car fanatic your girlfriend claims to be, unless the first time you hooked up was inside a Bugatti Veyron or a 1970 Dodge Challenger Trans Am that, for some reason, you no longer own or have access to, we can’t imagine this location conjuring the feeling of romance that…say…the Castle Hill Light might.


We’re not trying to be sexist or overgeneralize here. If you’re a lucky guy who’s just met a super-cool chick who’s into shooting guns and watching football, this is a great spot for a first date. It’s just that, if there’s one time that a woman wants to feel 100% feminine, it’s when a guy gets down on one knee…and the only place that’s full of more horsepower and millions of dollars of cool toys is the deck of an aircraft carrier.Dodge Challenger Trans Am

So go to the the Museum before you propose. Forty Steps is just probably 4 minutes down Bellevue. Pop the question there and then, if you’re really into cool cars, spend the night at Forty 1º North in a room with a view of their parking lot.

3. Trivia Night at O’Brien’s

You love trivia. She loves trivia. You’re just a couple nerds trying to make it in this rough and tumble world and you’ve decided to make her the Megara to your Hercules. Or, her the Catherine The Great to your horse. So Tuesday night you head down to O’Brien’s around 9:30 to play trivia for beer money and to ask you sweetheart to spend the rest of her time on Earth with you.

dennis hofer trivia

Of course, if you try to get host Dennis Hofer in on your plan, he’ll probably give you a brutal assessment of your romantic chances, or, depending on his state-of-mind, he’ll go “F*** it, it’s your funeral and I need some new material for my standup.”

So everyone at the bar will hear:

So at the end of Round 2 we have…

The inevitable ‘My couch pulls out but I don’t’ with 23 points.
‘The Kylo Ren-Anakin Skywalker Academy For Young Jedi’ with 34 points.
‘Rattlesnakes and Condoms: Two things I don’t screw with’ with 17…
and Toe Cleavage Fan Base with 42.

Now, if I can have a moment of your time, we have a young man named Albert who has something he’d like to ask Gertrude…

Way to combine the forced audience of a NBA mid-game proposal with the intimacy of a neighborhood bar.

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