URI Students Riot After Super Bowl Win By Patriots

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Damage includes…some streetlights and stuff.

In a desperate bid to make sure that no sports championship win ever can happen without some college students somewhere rioting and causing some kind of damage to something, URI students stormed out of their dorms and in a fit of rage broke…something like four streetlights.

In footage discovered by an equally unimpressed LocalsOnly401.com, we learned that Rhode Island college students just don’t have what it takes to riot with the Division 1 schools. You go to somewhere like Ohio State and someone’s car’s getting flipped and torched. Perhaps because the team that won isn’t actually affiliated with the school in any which way, the approach was just lackluster.

We mean, Keene State had riots over a pumpkin festival last fall. If all URI students can bring to the table is throwing snowballs at streetlights, this doesn’t speak at all well for the student body’s ability to create work for itself in the Rhode Island environment. This is a state where work just doesn’t lend itself to the able-bodied person. They have to make sure they know how to create that labor for themselves in the true Rhode Island way. 4-5 destroyed stoplights might create maybe 9-10 billable hours for the state’s union employees, on top of a bit of overtime for the campus police. That’s never going to get anyone hired full time.

Is it all very stupid? Certainly, but if there’s something we as a state can capitalize on, it’s our citizens’ stupidity. Everyone else is doing it so why can’t we.

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We were referring to the Cranberries album. What did you think we meant by it?

(H/T LocalsOnly401)

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Super Bowl Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?