Aaron Hernandez Has Something He Wants To Stick In You

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The prison guards don’t want him to whip it out among the other prisoners.

From ABC6:

Multiple sources reporting Friday that the one-time Patriots star was thrown in a segregated unit after guards discovered a shank-like weapon in his cell, inside the Souza Baranowski Correctional Center in Lancaster, Massachusetts.

Yep, it’s a “shank-like weapon”, also known as “a shank”, because shank is a broad term used to describe all improvised knives, especially in a prison environment.

The same thing goes for “club”. There are no “club-like weapons”. They’re all just clubs.

We’re guessing this means Hernandez won’t be having any conjugal visits for a long, long time.

On a semi-related note, why would you name prisons after people? We’d rather have a sewage treatment plant named after us than a prison, though even that is considered classless.

The Souza-Baranowski Correctional Center was named in the memory of two correctional staff, Corrections Officer James Souza and Industrial Instructor Alfred Baranowski, who were killed at MCI Norfolk in 1972 during an aborted escape attempt by a convicted murderer.

And now their names will forever be associated with one of the most negatively-associated words we use.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Stabbing Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?