Deuce Dropped In Front Of Newport Stop & Shop

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David John [redacted] arrested for that…and then something worse 5 hours later.

As much as we’d like Newport to be a perfect community, there’s always a few degenerates who want to take a big crap on everyone’s aspirations of pleasantness. Newport Patch reported that multiple-offender and overall winner David John [redacted] did literally that Sunday morning:

Police said David John [redacted], 45, was seen in the supermarket parking lot checking the door handles to parked cars, apparently in an effort to find an unlocked vehicle at around 9:20 a.m.

[redacted] then reportedly leaned against a pole and relieved himself by the entrance to the store, much to the horror of witnesses.

We’d like to take this opportunity to remind everyone to please lock your car, because you never know what someone might do once they get inside it. Actually, now we actually do…and it’s a lot worse than just stealing the change in your center console.

What could have led someone to behave in such anti-social ways?

Police said they found a bottle of Listerine in his pocket and he appeared intoxicated, apparently from drinking the mouthwash.

That’s right; Rhode Island’s blue laws. If only liquor stores opened at normal hours on Sundays, [redacted] could have spent the morning sipping on Moët, like a member of civilized society. Instead, he had to drink Listerine…and if you know [redacted], you what apiece of scum that turns him into.

Actually, you don’t, because we haven’t even gotten to the peak of Mr.[redacted]’s day. Police arrested him, charged him and then released him “around 2:11pm” with a court summons (which, incidentally, is a rather specific time to use  “around” with).

Now, if we’d just been arrested for defecating in public and tampering with vehicles while we were drunk on mouthwash, we might take some time to reassess some of the decisions we’d made in life. We might think about going on the straight and narrow. Maybe quit drinking and find a change of scenery. Or just kill ourselves. Unfortunately, we’re not David [redacted]. David [redacted] decided to double-down on being a douchebag.

About five-and-a-half hours later, police were dispatched to a Maple Avenue address for a report of an assault and found [redacted], who allegedly assaulted a woman who is sixth months pregnant.

Because that’s what 45-year-old men who have a history of domestic violence and take a dump in front of a Stop & Shop do.

The victim told police she wanted [redacted] out of the apartment and he became completely unresponsive as they were taking him into custody.

Of course she wanted [redacted] out of the apartment. Nobody wants this guy in their building, including the NPD…

He was later released on personal recognizance. A no-contact order was issued.

Now this isn’t the first time we’ve covered someone in Rhode Island committing a crime and getting arrested, hours after getting arrested for another crime. Surely at some point we can have the police hang onto a suspect for a little while longer if they’ve had to arrest them twice in a 24-hour period.

Alternatively, Newport could make banishment a thing again. Because we’d really like to make banishment a thing again.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Crap Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?