Do You Still Want To Have Sex With Aaron Hernandez?

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Sign up for a Conjugal Visit today!

On Wednesday, ending what may be the most famous trial to take place in Fall River since Lizzie Borden, Aaron Hernandez was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole. This wasn’t all that surprising. The prosecution had laid down a pretty strong case, despite a lack of any eyewitnesses or a murder weapon.

There were some bizarre aspects to the trial. The most glaring was that criminal acts by Hernandez not directly involved with the case were ruled inadmissible, so when Alexander Bradley took the stand, he couldn’t talk about the time that Hernandez shot him in the face. Likewise, accusations that Hernandez killed Oden Lloyd to silence him about a double murder committed by the former Patriots tight end were also not allowed.

That said, it’s pretty clear to anyone paying attention that Aaron Hernandez is an incredibly violent criminal, who will not only lash out in the heat of the moment, but also plot and plan AND BRING AN ENTOURAGE to murder anyone who got in his way. By pretty much every standard of morals and ethics, the man is a danger to everyone around him and at the very minimum needs to be isolated completely from society, if not an excellent argument for the death penalty.

Women’s Prerogativeladies-love-aaron

It was surprising about just how many women (many we know personally) who openly declared that regardless of how many people Hernandez may have murdered, they still really, REALLY want to have sex with him. Not in a “Yeah, he’s a handsome man” kind of way but in a kind of scary “Mention his name and my ovaries are doing all the thinking” expression of brutal female sexuality.

So for all you ladies out there who are willing to look past all the times Aaron Hernandez murdered close friends and random people, we have created…

The Aaron Hernandez Conjugal Visit Request Form

Just print it out, fill it in and mail it on over….

Hernandez Conjugal Visit Form

Download the PDF

We have to admit there are a few hurdles that have to be overcome before you can have sex with Aaron Hernandez in prison. First, one will have to get the Commonwealth of Massachusetts to actually allow conjugal visits in their jails. The second is to get Aaron Hernandez to actually want to spend one with you.

We can just see Hernandez in his prison cell now, going through his male like a 20th century version of Tinder, with a pile of visit requests on the left and another on the right.

So for those of you willing to make a go of it, good luck…the rest of us will be here, weeping for society.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Corrections Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?