Five Great Ways To Get Arrested, Ejected Or Fined At Newport’s St.Patrick’s Day Parade

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A few violations that can turn a great day into a bad time.

There’s always a few (typically close to a hundred) St. Patrick’s Day Parade revellers who mess up and end up in the Police & Fire incident reports on the Monday after the parade. The headlines is typically the number of “arrests”, though in most cases, the defendants usually just receive a citation and court summons (rather than jail, bail and the rest). It’s still not fun, though. We mean, it’s funny for all the gawking onlookers, but not for the folks getting busted.

The key to avoiding getting yourself into such a situation is to avoid these five behaviours:

1. Carrying An Open 30-Rack Of Beer Down Thames Street

Despite what everyone is doing on the sidewalks at 10am, open container laws are enforced during the Parade. How strictly they are enforced depends very much on how flagrantly people are violating this law and a few others. Basically, if you’re drinking out of a Dunkin Donuts cup, you’re probably good, regardless if it’s coffee you added a couple nips of Baileys and vodka to…or straight Everclear…as long as you maintain a low profile, your risk of citation is generally minimal.

If you’re a 21 year old who got tasked by your underaged friends to not only buy 30-racks of beer, but also to carry it openly as you go from party to party, you’re likely to attract some unwanted attention from the boys in blue (though they’re just as likely to be in plainclothes). If everyone’s of age and no one has any open alcohol on them, then you’ll be allowed to go on your way…but why invite the hassle? Load your watery macro-brews into some backpacks.

Likewise, walking with a Red Solo Cup is roughly translated to “I’d like to give the City of Newport $700” in NPD-speak.

2. Girl Fights

So we’re not exactly sure why, but for some reason, most of the antisocial guys from the area tend to avoid parade-related festivities or know enough to keep themselves in line, because they know they’ll wake up in a very uncomfortable holding cell if they don’t.

For some reason, there are always some girls who miss the “No Fights” memo.

Apparently, no one tells these ladies what’s been on the walls of Newport PD’s holding cells.

3. Trying to pee in a toilet or Porta-John, but somehow getting lost along the way.

This can be a hard one, because it requires some thinking ahead right when you’re in the condition least capable of thinking ahead. Once you’ve “broken the seal”, make sure you pee (in a proper receptacle) every chance you get. The streets are going to be literally lined with Porta-Potties. But, just to be safe, just make sure you head to the bathroom before leaving any bar, restaurant or party after…and this is sort of subjective depending on the historic size of your bladder relative to your thirst…but let’s just say “noonish”.

Why all the concern? Well, a $600 fine is typically a good incentive to keep people from urinating in public. Sort of a “If I was to give you $600, could you hold it?” deal. But nature being what it is, there comes a point where holding it is no longer physically possible. You just don’t want to run into this scenario in some stretch of lower Thames where there’s nowhere to pee legally.

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