If You’re Going To Steal From Whole Foods, Make Sure You Get The Good Stuff

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Given the store’s nickname is “Whole Paycheck”, shoplifters need to go big or go home.

Aquidneck Island doesn’t have a Whole Foods, which is probably a little surprising for people arriving from wealthy towns and cities throughout the Northeast and the rest of the country. The closest translation for “Whole Foods” for Islanders is probably “A Market” or “Clements’ Marketplace“. It’s where you get to buy the latest gluten-free, organic stuff for a price that would support a smaller Third-World village for maybe a week.

So if you’re going to run around a Whole Foods stealing stuff, it’s important to grab the expensive stuff. You can’t just be grabbing water crackers and hummus. If you’re risking getting a shoplifting charge, you have to shoot for the moon.

According to ABC6 News, one Providence woman did exactly that.

31-year-old Lavina Qualls has been charged with shoplifting, simple assault and resisting arrest.

Police say an officer assigned to a police detail at the East Side store found lobster salad, caviar sturgeon, shrimp and other seafood in her purse Saturday night. She also allegedly had nine articles of clothing.

Police say the stolen items were worth more than $400.

Of course, it’s all well and good to have caviar. The question Newporters should be asking is what was she planning to serve the lobster, shrimp and caviar with. For instance, did she have the proper pearl caviar spoon?

Caviar Spoon

If not, then why was she putting the cart in front of the horse?

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Delicacy Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?