In Quest To Get To Strip Club, Homeless Man Steals Ambulance

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“You can’t make this up.”

In the nation’s second high-profile ambulance theft in a month, a homeless man in Pontiac, Michigan identified as Bryan Joseph Kryscio had a very good reason for stealing a rescue wagon. The Oakland Press reports:

“He told the deputy he was hoping to go to the Booby Trap to see some pole dancing,” Oakland County Sheriff Michael Bouchard said.

“You can’t make this up.”

The man, who hoped to make it to the Detroit strip club but was stopped by police in Sterling Heights, was asked why he took the ambulance.

“Apparently he said there was no public transportation available,” Bouchard said.

“Again, you can’t make this up.”

Of course, we also can’t make up the fact that a $100,000 vehicle full of drugs and medical equipment was left unlocked and unattended with keys in the ignition and the biggest reason that Kryscio was caught was because police were able to track an EMT’s cellphone which had been left in the vehicle. (Editor’s Note: Given all the car’s with push-button start and RFID-activated locks would it really be that hard for ambulance operators to have security systems that can’t be bypassed by the horny homeless?)

Booby Trap DetroitHowever, for Kyscio, the real tragedy of the situation is that even if he had made it to 8 Mile’s Booby Trap, he still wouldn’t have been able to see any pole dancers, as the establishment has shut down. For any of the unemployed strippers who might have otherwise been working when an ambulance driven by Kyscio would have pulled into the parking lot, our current reality probably beats any alternatives.

Of course, the story has the standard disclaimer:

The suspect has mental health issues, according to the sheriff’s office.

…because no great story involving a strip club starts out “There was this day I was 100% sober and rational”.

And as it typical in these kinds of stories, there’s a Florida connection.

Kryscio has a prior criminal history in Florida for robbery and in Michigan for breaking and entering, possession of marijuana and several convictions for trespassing, police said.

Will this event be the catalyst for an amazing revamp of Detroit’s public transportation system? Highly doubtful.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Transportation Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?