Jello Shots: The Invisible Currency Of Newport’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade

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If you swallow enough of these bad boys on St. Patrick’s Day, you’re guaranteed to have a good time.

Jello shots are, to put it a way, the way to a man’s heart…or a woman’s heart. At Newport’s St. Patrick’s Day, they’re an amazing way to have too good of a time. Essentially, on the “drink count” they don’t register. One thinks “I had a beer here, a shot there, a mixed drink there…I’m good.” But what everyone discounts is that they did three or five or ten jello shots along the way. That’s why they woke up next to someone they’d rather have not woken up next to. Oddly enough, they’re also usually a female-driven concoction. Guys, we plan to get drunk on Newport’s St. Patrick’s Day the old-fashioned way…through hard work and lots of Fireball shots.

Jello Shots Lime St. Patricks Day Newport

Everyone loves Jello Shots

Way back when, we had the opportunity to ride through Newport’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade on a float that was loaded with jello shots, Bud Light and beads. The beads were tossed to the kids, the Bud Light was for us…and the jello shots were for any adults who were interested. That float was described by at least one parade official as “a rolling keg party”. Warnings were given.

Fortunately, the individual in charge of that float, took those warnings as a challenge. The next year, a whole lot more jello shots were loaded up for the event. Unfortunately/Fortunately the weather that year was horrible (33° with freezing rain) and while they did their best to go out with a bang, not enough individuals who would have made complaints were present to witness the utter debauchery presented to Newport that day. The crowd was, however, receptive to the alcoholic “beverages” on hand.

St. Patrick's Day Jello Shots Newport

The Invisible Currency

Jello shots are all around Newport on St. Patrick’s Day. They’re something like karma or good will. If you go to a house party, they’ll be offered to you. If you go to a nice bar, they’ll be offered to you and if you go to a slightly less nice bar, they’ll be sold to you. But they just bounce around like little morsels of fun, waiting to find the right guy or girl who’s willing to roll their tongue around them the right way and they’ll pop up…and out…into their mouths. Instead of transferring merit, jello shots just transfer a little bit of happiness from one person to another.

How to make Jello Shots

Here’s how to make Jello Shots for Newport Parade Day if you’re not an asshole:

1 (3 ounce) package Jello gelatin (orange or lime)
1 cup boiling water
1⁄2 cup cold water
1⁄2 cup vodka

Boil cup of water.
Empty jello powder into a large mixing bowl and add the boiling water.
Continue stirring for two minutes or until the jello is completely dissolved.
Add in the 1/2 cup of cold water and 1/2 cup of vodka.
Stir until mixed and pour into 2oz. cups filled 1/2 to 3/4 of the way.

Here’s how to make Jello Shots if you ARE an asshole:

1 cup boiling water
1/2 cup cold water
1 3-ounce package Jello (orange or lime)
1/2 cup Everclear Grain Alcohol

Chill the Everclear in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes or until it’s cold.
Bring 1 cup of the water to a boil over medium-high heat. Reserve the remaining water.
Add the powdered gelatin to a medium-sized mixing bowl. Pour the boiling water over the gelatin and stir until the powder dissolves.
Stir the cold Everclear and remaining 1/2 cup cold water into the hot Jell-O mixture.
Pour the hot Jell-O shot mixture into individual shot glasses or 2-ounce portion cups.
Refrigerate for approximately 3 hours or until the gelatin sets.

Our Jello Shot Warning

As mentioned previously, just like a girl tallying up her “count”, St. Patrick’s Day drinkers tend to disregard jello shots when they’re making a decision of whether to have another drink or whether they might be okay to drive. Don’t. While they aren’t full-fledged “shots”, they can be relatively potent. They’ll also sneak up on you. So have fun out there and enjoy a few. Just don’t suck on too many or you might regret it.

Where to find Jello Shots

Since said float is no longer in the parade, your best bet is probably Parlor Newport. That’s the last place we remember doing any. We know Kristen Mashaw loves the things.

We think there might be some at O’Brien’s too.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Jello Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?