Why Would Justin Bieber Move To Providence?

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Don’t be Belieb everything you read.

It would appear that someone has an Irish sense of humor. Two weeks back, we had a popup website called “The McKenzie Post” telling the world that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were moving to Newport. Now we have a website called O’Reilly Post telling us that Justin Bieber is moving to Providence…and Pueblo, Colorado…and Vail.

Justin Bieber moving

We’re guessing that it’s unlikely that the Canadian singer and Miley Cyrus impersonator will be getting arresting for racing Lamborghinis in Federal Hill or caught up in any prostitution stings anytime soon.

Even if the website OReillyPost.com wasn’t an obvious fake, why would Bieber move to Providence? He’s not going to be attending Brown. The club scene pales in comparison to LA or Miami. Bieber doesn’t hit us as the type to move to a place like Providence for what it does have to offer, like great restaurants.

No, Bieber is going to keep it where he lives now, LA. Unless Providence is about to flood the market with enhanced hardbodies, it won’t be able to compete. Cranston on the other hand…

But seriously, the only way we could get Justin Bieber to move to Rhode Island is if he started dating Taylor Swift and he moved in to her Watch Hill spot for the weeks of the year that she’s hanging out there.

For those of you who find this news disappointing, it is actually a shame how unlikely it is that Rhode Island would attract more high net-worth young people. Bieber may be a brat, but he’s the kind of brat who spends thousands of dollars in a normal night out…and that’s the kind of money the Rhode Island economy needs.

On the bright side, Newport does have some actual celebrities in town right now. Jason Segal has been strolling around downtown and, as everyone knows, Robert Redford should be showing up at some point. We’re just not sure if those guys can elicit screams from teenage girls like Bieber can.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Hoax Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?