The Mystery Of “The Newport Ditch”

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The Newport Ditch

Elsewhere in the world, it goes by numerous names; The Irish Farewell, the French Exit, the Dutch Leave and, most ominously, “ghosting”. Here in Newport, it’s simply “The Newport Ditch” and it’s actually got a song written about it.

It’s when an individual (or possibly a couple) takes their leave of a social situation unannounced, which violates a few tenants of proper etiquette, but is becoming more convenient and accepted among the young and bar-hopping.



What motivates the Ditch?

Saying good-bye is a solid convention of polite society, so what would make otherwise good people want to ignore it?

1)Sex

Whether it’s a booty-call, Grindr match, a friend who’s just offered some “benefits” or an opportunity to become a cougar’s next meal, it can be an awkward and evasive conversation, even if your new partner-in-crime isn’t standing nearby.

So you just ditch.

2)Exhaustion

“We’ve been drinking for 10 hours, I’ve spent $200, there are three of everyone and I have a flight I have to leave for in five hours. Home – Bed – Now.”

So you just ditch.

3)Awkwardness

“Why is my date telling me stories about their pet hamsters? I need to GTFO.”

So you just ditch.

4)Realization of hatred of friends

Typically, alcohol is associated with feelings of closeness amongst friends. However, this is not a universal condition. It can also trigger anti-social feelings in some individuals, while turning others into annoying idiots. You think to yourself, “What am I doing with these people?!?!”

So you just ditch.

Mystery Solved?

This should explain approximately 95% of the disappearances reported in Newport every year. Among Newport’s bar regulars, it’s almost taken as a given, which is cool because everyone’s laid back about it. It can beĀ a little disconcerting because if Newport is ever invaded by Body Snatchers, no one will notice until it’s too late.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Mystery Correspondent


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Tristan's just this guy, ya know?