Neckties Hold A Dirty Secret

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You won’t be able to unsee this.

Have you ever noticed that the more time something has been around, the less people make observations about it? It’s just “there”. Most people don’t wonder why concrete is grey or why the sky is blue, because it’s always been that way and our time and brainpower is better dedicated to more dynamic variables in our life. That said, when one does look at a constant in our lives, the realizations can make you start questioning a lot of things. This past weekend, we noticed something about neckties.

Necktie points penis tie

Fashion is a funny animal because clothes are supposed to serve a function (protecting us from the elements)…but they’re also cosmetic (making us look good). Male fashion has traditionally been a bit more functional than that for the ladies, but when it comes to guys’ formal attire, there’s a lot of stuff that used to serve a purpose that is now for looks only.

In the case of the necktie, it served a function for a split second of its existence and then has been decorative ever since. During the 30 Years War, Croatian mercenaries in the employ of King Louis XIII wore a uniform with a piece of cloth that was used to tie the top of their uniform’s jacket. Louis took a fondness for the style and, the king being king, made them a mandatory fashion accessory at his palace. He coined the term “La Cravate”, which is the French word for necktie to this day.

Well, like all fashions, the necktie evolved, finally taking what we recognize as its current form in the 1920s. The necktie had become long, while the bowtie became reserved for very formal occasions.

So now that we’ve been looking at neckties for a century, they’re just “there”. Obviously, given that fashion has gotten less formal over time, neckties are less popular, but they’re still a constant. They’re just what men put on when they go to a formal event.

So we were getting dressed for a wedding this weekend when we were struck by a realization:

Neckties are giant arrows men wear to point to their penis.

If you remove the other clothing, the necktie is a long arrow that comes to a point right around a man’s crotch. Exhibit A:

Now, most men probably don’t realize what their ties are advertising. They’re just doing what they’ve been forced to do ever since they first went to formal events as a child. It’s all subtext.

So you have a guy like this, drawing attention to his crotch…casually.

necktie points to penis

And we have no idea what’s happening here…nor are we sure we want to know…

neckties arrow penis

We think this may explain why many people find bowties to be emasculating. They just don’t hold up well next to a two-foot long colorful arrow illuminating a gentleman’s virility.

Now that the secret has been revealed, we’re guessing you’ll never be able to unsee it.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Subtext Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?