Newport To Host “Halfway To St. Patrick’s Day” Parade

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Inaugural event will take place September 17th, six months after/before St. Paddy’s Day.

The City of Newport really taking the adage “Anything worth doing is worth doing twice” to heart as it’s just been announced that Newport will be hosting a SECOND annual (er…biannual) St. Patrick’s Day parade, this one to be held the Saturday of or before September 17th, marking the halfway point to the Irish holiday.

charlie masterson profileCharlie Masterson of Newport’s Ancient Order of Hibernians has just returned from Dublin, where the AOH Pipe & Drum Band played in the festivities celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Easter Uprising. He explained that they can get much more bang for the buck a second time around, because there’s no one else trying to hire bagpipers in September. “We can actually hire about twice as many bands for about half the cost. No one else has anything on their schedules. This is going to be huge! While we were in Dublin we talked a dozen bands from across the world into coming in September and they’re even paying their own way. Dublin, Singapore, Perth…everyone’s free then and they’re all coming to Newport!” He added that the fundraising has already begun and anyone who wants to support the effort should buy a t-shirt now.

Liam Geer

Liam Geer

Liam Geer who also plays for the band has been working out how to play “Livin’ on a Prayer” on the bagpipes and how to arrange the song for the rest of the band. “Typically, we’d go with more traditional Irish songs, but it turns out that the only piece of music that anyone knows which references ‘Halfway there’ is the chorus of this damn Bon Jovi song.”

Local bars are excited at the prospect. “Sure, I don’t mind opening up at 8am and making enough money by noon to add another floor to my house,” said one local bar owner, who requested to remain nameless. His chef, Ryan Loeven, gladly went on the record to explain that, just like pipe and drum bands, corned beef is super cheap in September…and Lucky Charms“Lucky Charms are always cost-effective for a bar at 9am, even if we give them away for free. In fact, I prefer people eat them because it lets me just sit back  and relax back in the kitchen and get drunk without anyone bothering me, most especially Mr.Bossy-Pants over there.”

Not everyone is a fan of the idea, however. “I can’t believe that they allow this to happen once a year…and now it’s going to be TWICE?!?! There’s going to be young people puking in the streets and people pissing everywhere. IT’S DISGUSTING!!! Yet another blight on the Newport name!” said one woman who no one likes very much.

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