Our Exclusive Interview With The Santa Claus

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NB: Well since you brought it up, what would you consider to be the hardest toy you’ve had to reproduce.

SC: Well this is not a toy but, the iPod boom in the early 2000’s was probably the hardest nut to crack, and we’ve got a lot of nutcrackers up north! (Laughs)

NB: (laughs) I was thinking you were going to say Mouse Trap or something, but iPods, I could see that.

SC: Apple was not very happy, bc they honestly built an amazing product, and the first few years any problems they were having, we were one hundred percent to blame.

NB: It’s funny because it would be hard for a company to blame Santa for their shoddy workmanship.

SC: (laughs) Exactly! That’s what’s kinda nice to be honest. You may be too young, but one year there were a few Barbies that were talking like GI Joes, and vice versa. The media jumped all over it and blamed the toy makers, even though they are manufactured by different companies! You have no idea how happy and lucky I’ve been to operate outside of all that stress. I mean I love what I do, but I don’t make a dime! I would have retired years ago if I had to deal with those headaches too.

NB: Geez, well we’re all glad that didn’t happen, a world without Santa Clause, is a world I don’t think any of us would want to live in. (pauses) Well, one last question for you, does everyone’s favorite Rudolph still guide your sleigh every Christmas?

SC: I’m glad you brought that up. Rudolph has never existed! He was made up by a retail store in the ’30’s, as a promotional coloring book, I can’t believe how long that little bugger has endured. The rest of the reindeer are all real, although we are on Blitzen #2. But come on, a reindeer with a glowing red nose? That is just absurd! I mean think about it, if it’s bright enough to guide my way, it would BLIND Rudolph, ever thought about that? I swear, some people will believe anything!

NB: Right… (long awkward pause) Well I should probably go start my Christmas shopping, but thank you so much for taking to time to talk with us.

SC: Oh, you’re welcome, Merry Christmas to you, and to you a good night!

NB: Ah, nicely done…

SC: Been saving that one for a while, ho, ho, ho!!! (disappears up chimney)

NB: God bless us everyone, ya filthy animals…


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Dennis Hofer was born in Newport Hospital. If you don't know him, someone you know does. He's a master of loading Pez Dispensers, self proclaimed connoisseur of chicken parm sandwiches, and always good for a joke or six. If you see him drinking a hefeweizen, please tell him to just go home. High fives for reading this far.