RI, Please Don’t Attack Gazebos With Samurai Swords

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There is no scenario where getting arrested in Warwick with a samurai sword makes anyone look good.

If there’s one weapon whose romanticism is completely out of whack with reality, it’s the sword…and more acutely, the katana or “samurai sword”. If you’re ever in a fight and a guy pulls out a katana, you can be pretty sure of one thing: at least 25% of his wrist strength was built up while watching hentai. That, and it’s unlikely he’s ever won a fight in his life. At least not one that didn’t involve either dice or a personal computer.

Now, it appears that a Warwick man was trying to get some actual practice with his samurai sword when he attacked a gazebo with it. The Projo reports:

A Warwick man was charged with vandalism, disorderly conduct and having a prohibited weapon after the police said he attacked a gazebo in City Park with a samurai sword.

Andrew Rich, 37, of West Shore Rd., was arrested just before noon Monday at the park, where officers said he was striking to[sic] posts of the gazebo with the sword, according to Lt. Michael Forde.

The problem with this scenario is that Mr. Rich thinks a sword makes him look like this…


…when in reality he looks like:


Now a quick glance at Mr. Rich and we can assume that he didn’t get the highest rolls in intelligence and charisma when his character was generated. We’d like to sympathize, but he’s a 37-year-old man.. If he’s into weapons and doesn’t want to be looked at like a complete weirdo, he’s going to have to start collecting guns. Unfortunately, that might prove difficult given the charges he faces.

The Woman

Possibly the most bizarre aspect of this story is that Andrew Rich had a girl with him…and she had a weapon too.

The police also arrested Jessica Cole, 40, also of West Shore Road, on disorderly conduct and having a prohibited weapon, which they said was a police-style baton.

The police were initially dispatched to a call of two people sword fighting in the park.


So to give credit where credit is due, if you’re a sword dork and you can not only get a girlfriend, but a girlfriend who will joust with you in public, you can just drop the mic and walk away.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Malee Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?