Scientists Identify Four Classes Of Drunks

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Try a little self-discovery to find out what your friends (and fellow bar patrons) already know.

Alcohol affects people’s minds. This is beyond debate…and pretty much the reason humanity brews so much of the stuff. That said, it affects different people differently. Some people become the life of the party…while others get another domestic assault arrest.

Oddly enough, it appears that scientists hadn’t really researched the different types of drunks and how likely people are to be one type or another.

Now researchers at the University of Missouri have broken drunks into four distinct classes. If you can’t tell which one you fit in, just ask your friends. They’ll tell you.

The Hemingway


Hemingways drink, to quote the author, “hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk”. That is to say, alcohol doesn’t cause much a transformation when these folks drink it. At some point, they might have trouble walking or talking, but what they’re thinking is going to pass as the same “good ideas” that they have when they’re sober.

The good news about these generally predictable drunks is that there’s a lot of them. The study finds that 4/10th of drinkers fit into the Hemingway type.

The Mary Poppins


The happy, “sweet” drunks who don’t cause any trouble are the Mary Poppinses. They’re the reason that people go out to bars to drink. They’re nice when they’re sober and extraverted when they’re drunk, so they spread their pleasantness around. Unfortunately, they only make up about 15% of drinkers, so if you know anyone in this category, keep them close, like an endangered sloth…and expect lots of hugs.

sloth hugs

Hugs make everything better.

Only one way to figure out the next two…


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