Six Guys NOT To Be On Parade Day

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4. The “My girlfriend saw how drunk I was last year, and isn’t allowing me to go this year but I’m going to act like I’m more grown up and above it this year” guy

We get it, your girlfriend wasn’t thrilled that you were blacked out by noon last year, and don’t remember the first time you told her you love her. That doesn’t mean that we don’t remember what an ass you looked like either. Don’t treat your friends like juvenile delinquents because they are excited about the fun you wish you could have.

Just think about how much fun you’re going to have getting out of town on Parade Day, and going to the mall, or whatever you people that go over that bridge do.

bed bath and beyond

5. The “I had nine Jell-O shots for breakfast, and that’s all I’ve eaten today” guy


If you want to last past the afternoon, eat lots of food, drink lots of water, and maybe even take a nap! There’s free corned beef and cabbage EVERYWHERE. You’ll be much better off, and you won’t end up in everyone’s Instagram feed as the guy making out with a lamp post after last call. I’ve seen it happen, believe it.

6. The “I’m twenty years older than everyone at this party, and honestly, I don’t know anyone” guy


“Hey guy, it’s getting about that time. Uh, you walked in 10 minutes after we opened our doors and you’re still here four hours later. We don’t even know your name. You graduated high school before we were born. We’re actually…we’re actually all leaving, so you gotta go. No offense.”

Right now, everyone is either whispering or thinking, NARC! I know you’re drunk, but don’t lash out. Just exit as gracefully as possible (assuming you realize your predicament). Either way, DON’T HIT ON ANYBODY! Remain calm, the next bar/party with people more your age will not be far away.

In quick conclusion

Be on the lookout, for any and all “guys” this Parade day. And please, feel free to make up your own! If you see, laugh, and, and decide to share, please tag us on Facebook or Instagram and also use #paradedayguys If we get enough we will definitely share. Have a great, and safe Parade Day. See you out there!

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Dennis Hofer was born in Newport Hospital. If you don't know him, someone you know does. He's a master of loading Pez Dispensers, self proclaimed connoisseur of chicken parm sandwiches, and always good for a joke or six. If you see him drinking a hefeweizen, please tell him to just go home. High fives for reading this far.