That Time Fall River Came To Portsmouth And Got Attacked By A Sea Monster

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We’re curious which element of this story the locals found most disturbing.

The Fall River accent is one of the most unforgettable things you’ll run into in life. It’s basically Boston’s Southern accent. Almost universally, the American Southern accent is looked upon as slower and less educated than the accents from other regions.

Northeastern accents are considered gruffer…but smarter. We’re going to crown the Boston accent as the Einstein of regional accents, if only because dumb actors have such a hard time using it. Of course, this contest doesn’t consider non-regional diction, which generally trumps the rest when it comes to sounding brainy.

So Fall River has what’s basically Boston’s Southern accent, where the rest of Massachusetts laughs when they hear it, but the rest of the country is thinking “I have no idea what this guy is saying, but it sounds important.”

Well, back in 2007, a couple from Fall River came to Teddy’s Beach in Portsmouth so the wife could go swimming past a sign labelled “Danger” and find herself in “Danger”. Danger showed up in the form of a toothy, 15-foot scaly…thing, which, judging by the comments people have made, is half-tuna, half-dolphin and half-otter, like an aquatic Man-Bear-Pig.

So Channel 12 showed up to get the story and ended up broadcasting more ‘Rive out of Rhode Island than they ever had before or since.

We should make it clear that there has been no indication that locals summoned this creature using the dark arts of the Necronomicon to protect the island from…”them”.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Cryptozoology Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?