The Nightmares You Find On Your Phone Post-Bender

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Who knows what horrors you texted to whom when you were blacked out last night?

Waking up after a Newport bender is a lot like putting together a jigsaw puzzle after someone’s smacked you over the head with a wooden mallet. You’re sitting there wondering why the hell you got so drunk when all you had was cucumber martinis at Parlor, a Stoli Raz and Red Bull at Caleb & Broad, Jameson on the rocks at Fifth Element, a shot of Fireball at Pour Judgement, an espresso martini at Brick Alley Pub and it all got a little fuzzy after you hit Speakeasy.

You woke up alone, so you know the night didn’t go that crazy. Your phone is…where is it? It’s not on your desk. It’s not under your pillow. It’s not under the covers. It’s…in that crack between your mattress and the headboard.

That could be a problem…

If you had it with you in bed, that means you had it with you before you passed out and there’s little more capable of doing more damage to your own personal life than your phone in your own drunk hands.

So you go to check it…and the battery is dead. That basically means that you only passed out once you’d drained every last bit of juice communicating drunken thoughts to a list of people whose number…until you can get this puppy charged up again…remains unknown.

So you’re sitting there with this feeling of suspense like when you were a kid on Christmas morning…except in this case, the surprises will probably all be bad.

Here’s a quick run-down of how most of the text conversations went. As you charge your phone, pray that they all went better than the last one.

Best Case:

Steve Texts


Well, you sounded like an idiot, but it’s not like Steve likes you any less now than he did at the start of the night. So…good job?


You’d obviously spent a lot of time overthinking what you were going to say, came up with a bad idea, let it soak up a whole bunch of the booze that filled your head and fired out this bad boy:

Judi Thighs Text

You have no idea what you meant by that.

You receive no response.

We shall never speak of this again.


You got a response but then they decided to ignore and/or pass out on you, so you decide to wake them back up and/or provoke a response out of them:

Pat Text


Well, if you ever see “Pat” again, you’re just going to have to buy yourself a gun so you can shoot yourself in the face. Or get blackout drunk so you have the courage to say something to them. Or get blackout drunk, not say anything to them and then go home and restart this text convo again with all the similar results.

So here we are…

Back in the day, one could go out, get wasted and wake up with only the depressing effects of alcohol to deal with. Today, you get to deal with the depressive effects of alcohol, withdrawals and a phone that’s been cursed with a spell of shame. Fortunately, there may be an antidote.

For those of you who are Android users, there’s an app called Drunk Message Blocker.

For those of you who are iPhone users, just take heart that while you might not feel sexy this morning, you phone is.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Smartphone Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?