The Pros And Cons Of A Winter Cling

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After all those summer flings, should you settle down for the winter?

With the arrival of some colder temperatures, those of you who are single might be thinking of finding someone to settle down with for the winter months. There are quite a few perks to the winter cling…but it’s not without its dangers, so think long and hard before turning that fling into a cling.

First, the Pros:

1. Heat

Humans keep an internal body temperature of 98.6° Fahrenheit. This means that keeping one under your blankets is a great way to save on your heating bills. Generally though, you’re probably going to make sure to select one that you find sexually attractive. This is because the heat transfer works best the less clothes you have on between the two of you and if someone has the wrong body type (or gender) it’s going to get uncomfortable fast.

2. Lack Of Selection

In the summer, Newport is the place to be, with a constant rotation of attractive individuals coming into town for the night, week or month. They’re fun and exciting with all sorts of interesting stories about these other places they are from and what they do there. In the winter, that waterfall turns to a trickle and you might as well grab the best of what’s around. This will save you the embarrassment of fighting for scraps when the lights come on at 1am on some cold night in January. So before winter really hits, just grab anyone who’s reasonably attractive (but not TOO attractive), take them home, show them a good time and make them breakfast. If they stick around, congrats, you’ve both settled…for something like the next 4 months.

3. Eating/Drinking Costs

As much as we love hitting the Newport bar scene, it’s not exactly the easiest hit on the wallet, especially when Newport’s economy is doing its seasonal recession thing. Having a winter cling allows you to hit the super market (or order take-out) and the two of you can eat for like $20. Stop by Bridge Liquors for wine, beer and/or liquor and another $20 should keep you buzzed for a couple nights (though your results may vary, boozehounds).

Now, the Cons:

1. Attachment

All these shared meals and body heat are going to play with your head. Chemistry is going to do its thing and start to create “feelings”. There is a very real danger that April could roll around and rather than hitting the gym and priming yourself for a summer of anonymous sex, you might feel a serious desire to keep your cling around.

Most experienced Newporters know how to lay down the “Single For The Summer” law, but for the inexperienced or those who still hold out hope that “someone’s out there” there is a real danger than you could end up in a relationship.

2. That Lack Of Selection

Grabbing the “Best of What’s Around” in November is like showing up for a fantasy football draft when it’s halfway done; all the real talent is spoken for. This means you’re going to spend a lot of time with someone who’s likeable enough. Someone that you’ll want to introduce to some of your friends. You’re either going to spend the winter with someone who constantly reminds you that you could have done better…or, as mentioned above, you’re going to start to get attached to them, which, come spring, will leave a lot of people asking behind your backs “How did that happen?”

Alternatively, you could spend the whole lot of time realizing that they’re really a lot better than you originally thought, only to discover that they’re the one who settled for you, at least until that first day of beach season.

3. The Minefield of Holidays

A quick glance at the calendar reveals that November-February is set up like some kind of funnel designed to make families happen. First comes Thanksgiving, which you’ll probably spend separately with your own families, who will take the opportunity to interrogate you about your relationship status (and it being the 21st century, who that certain someone who’s been making appearances on your social media might be).

Next comes Christmas and New Years, which are just all sorts of problematic for casual relationships. For Christmas, there’s the issue of gifts. There you are, having successfully used this person to cut down on your heating, food and liquor expenses…and now you feel obligated to drop all that loot you’ve been saving on…well, something that says “I like having you around during the winter months”. Then you’re off to your families again for another round of playing “Camp X-Ray” with a bunch of people who know how to push your buttons far better than any CIA interrogator while the prod you for info on this “special someone” in your life.

Worse, New Years Eve shows up a week later and you’re either out and nonchalantly end up at the same spot…or you’re just staying in and being boring, but either way, midnight is sitting there like a trap. You’re going to end up kissing each other and depending on how much champagne you’ve been pounding, one of you might slip the “L-word” which is going to make things a little awkward, because although the next holiday is the relatively benign Martin Luther King Jr. Day, you’ve got Valentine’s Day sitting a month and a half away, stalking you in winter wonderland like some kind of romance Polar Bear.

It’s a trap that’s almost inescapable.

(Oddly enough, the summer holidays are nothing like this. “What are you doing for Memorial Day, The 4th of July, VJ Day and Labor Day?” “Day drinking, duh.”)

In Conclusion

Approach winter clings like you would a casino. Realize that the deck is stacked against you and don’t play with more than you can afford to lose.

Don’t think that just because it’s cold doesn’t mean that there aren’t options out there. It’s just a question of how much time and effort you want to put in before you settle…though that’s also true for life.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Winter Correspondent

For more on winter clings, this is what College Humor has to say on the subject:

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?