The Single Guy’s Survival Guide: Your Restaurant’s Christmas Party

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It’s probably going to be a disaster.

Here we are, Christmas fast approaching, right in the thick of the business “holiday” party season. If you’re a single guy in the service industry, you should be aware of the opportunities and dangers such an event provides to your personal and professional life. As we’ve discussed previously, there’s a big hunt this time of year for winter clings, which, along with a bunch of other factors we’re about to discuss, means that you could be about to attend a tinderbox dripping with sexual tension…that might get you fired…and sued…and arrested (and maybe not even in that order).

The Situation Thus Far

The restaurant industry, as a whole, seems to have simply ignored the new Puritanism that seems to have engulfed the rest of corporate America. This is probably partly due to the unique individuals who choose  to make their living in the service industry. It’s a whole bunch of people who looked at the 9-5 world and realized that due to their natural sleeping schedule, lack of interest in moving money from column A to column B,  a whole lot of tattoos, and a general impatience with the concept of conformity they would make their livings, they would rather make money getting the people who work “normal” hours drunk so they show up late for work the next day.

The working schedule of restaurant folk means that they’re working when everyone else is having a good time, meaning that work becomes social…and when work becomes social, sex starts to hang over it like Charlie Brown’s cloud.

It certainly doesn’t help anyone’s celibacy that the folks in the front of the house are generally above-average when it comes to physical attraction…and they’ve usually got some personality thrown in. There’s also a certain level of transience thrown in. No one is expecting to spend their lives at Restaurant X…unless their parents own it. For some, they might be in college and thinking of starting a “career” sometime within maybe five years of graduation. For others, they know that they can continue their rotation through twenty-odd restaurants, knowing that by the time they need to get a job again at wherever they are now, all the people they’ve had personality conflicts with will probably have moved on too.

Given the schedules, personalities and availability, the industry crowd becomes one big, happy, dysfunctional, incestuous family.

Let’s Have A Party

There’s no better way to bring the last year’s professional debauchery to a climax than a your restaurant’s Christmas party. Even if you show up early, it will already be apparent that some folks were pre-gaming for a party packed full of free booze. These are the kind of decisions that out in the “real world” might be cause for an intervention, but you’re perfectly okay with because when this person bottle-rockets and ends up booting or hooking up with one of the dishwashers in the walk-in, it’ll mean more of the good stuff for you.

As a single guy, you’ve been sizing up the ladies since…well, since you first walked in the door to apply for a job and then every day since. Your female co-workers have been going up and down in your head like a stock market. Initially, as the feminists whine about, their value was based on physical attractiveness, but as the shifts go by, those looks went against a whole lot of other criteria like what music they like, how many kids they have, their ability to go through life without turning everything into a ****ing disaster that they have to spend all shift complaining to everyone about and which millionaire’s yacht they had that coke-fueled orgy on.


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