What’s Our Plan For Parade Day?

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The same plan we have every year, Pinky…

Every year, in the week or so leading up to Newport’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade, people will ask us what our plan for the day is, and every year we tell them the same thing.

We have no plan.

Well, that’s not quite true. We plan to wake up, pound a half-pint of Jager with a can of Red Bull, take a shower, put on something green and head to a bar we’ve established as our starting point. From then on, there’s not much point of trying to set anything in stone. Why? Well, we turn to Field Marshall Helmuth von Moltke the Elder for this one.

“No plan survives contact with the enemy.”

Now, Parade Day is pretty much the opposite of combat. In fact, if at any point during the day, you think to yourself “this reminds me of a massive life-and-death struggle”, you’re probably doing it wrong. But there is one similarity; chaos. Not so much literal chaos, but a lot of random events, opportunities and happenstances.

Parade Day Algebra

You’ll be at Bar A, then get a text from a friend at Bar B. So you decide to walk on over to meet up with them. On the way over, you see some old friends, catch up real quick and learn they are heading to Bar C. So you say “I’ll try to catch up later” and head off to Bar B.

At Bar B, you learn there’s now a line to get in 30 people long. You text the friend who you’re supposed to meet inside and you get…nothing. So you make friends with the people who you’re stuck in line with. After 15 minutes, you say, “Hey, I have some friends who were going to Bar C. Want to come with me?”…and maybe they do and maybe they don’t. If they do, cool. You get them to Bar C, discover, amazingly, that there’s neither a line or a cover (and it’s not because the place caught fire). You get inside and it turns out that everyone you just brought over knows the friends you’re there to meet really well. Too well. It all get’s a little uncomfortable.

Fortunately, you get a text from your friend who was at Bar B. Their phone had died, but they left Bar B and went home to charge it and do some shots. Now they’re heading out the door and going to Bar D to meet a bunch of attractive members of the opposite sex and you’re welcome to come along.

So you bail out of Bar C and head over to Bar D, where you learn the cover is $30. At this point you start asking your friend if the folks you’re meeting are “attractive” or “Worth a $30 cover attractive”. They insist that the cover is worth it, so you pay the money, get inside, hit it off with the guys/girls, decide it’s too crowded, leave after two drinks and head back to Bar A, where you run into the crowd you left at Bar C.

One Important Piece Of Advice

So there is one other aspect of Parade Day that where one specific type of warfare applies: Aerial gunnery.


And the lesson is this: Don’t aim for where your target is, aim for where they’re going to be.

Let’s say you’re getting off work and you text your girlfriends to find out where they are. If they say a bar that’s normally 20 minutes away, you should probably ask them if they’re going to be staying for at least another hour, hour and a half. The walk over is going to take longer because people are either going to be walking at tourist speeds…or you’re going to run into someone you know every 50 yards. Then you’ll have to wait in line to get inside.

If you get a “We’re thinking about leaving and going to ______” then you probably just want to go straight to ______. It’ll be fine. You can just start drinking and make new friends until the people you actually planned to hang out with get there.

The worst possible scenario you can find yourself in is one where you’re trying to catch up, because you’re going to spend a lot of time trying to get somewhere…and not drinking and having a good time. No one thinks to themselves, ‘You know what would be awesome, going to Newport and spending 5 out of ten hours standing in lines in the rain’. So don’t be that guy.

Anyway, we’re going to be starting at Parlor (they open at 8am) and slowly working our way south.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Parade Correspondent

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?