Why The ISIS Threat Against Newport Has Us Laughing

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We’re not worried and you shouldn’t be either.

We’re generally pretty skeptical about death threats, especially anonymous death threats and really skeptical about anonymous death threats made online. It’s one thing if some girl’s ex-boyfriend who has a history of violence and an extreme streak of jealousy leaves a note nailed to her door with a Bowie knife, but if some egg-avatar Twitter account releases a list of names in the hopes that someone might kill them, call us unimpressed.

ISIS has responded to an actual military air campaign that is killing thousands of their fighters…by releasing a “hit list” of approximately 100 American military personnel, with their photographs, home addresses and the like, including one¬†service member¬†currently stationed here in Newport.

Now, ISIS is a vile and bloodthirsty organization who take great pleasure in violently executing prisoners in all sorts of gory ways on camera…in Syria and Iraq and a few other spots in the Middle East. What they don’t have is a track record of declaring that they’re going to kill someone in America…and then killing them.

Now, the Pentagon is going through the motions of force protection, asking local police departments to be on the lookout for strange behavior, but you know if they were really worried, all of the personnel listed would have been evaced to somewhere remote and secure. Our recommendation? Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri. Any ISIS assassins spending more than a few days scoping out the town of St. Roberts outside its gates would likely be driven to suicide by the shear depressing nature of that place.

Moving on, we’re in an actual war with these folks. When we know where they live, the first notice they get is a couple of Hellfire missiles knocking on their front door. When they know where our troops are…they post their addresses online? That’s not exactly scary. That’s a terrorist group just phoning it in. We’re guessing we’d be more successful asking the world for a hit on One Direction than ISIS has a chance of assassinating anyone in Newport.

We’re not really one to tell ISIS how to target our armed forces, but folks in Newport aren’t really deployable. They have to rotate back to a unit or ship which then has to go through its own deployment prep. That means that even if they were to kill someone here, the military would have months if not years to find a combat replacement, and given the strategic reversals ISIS has been facing recently, it’s unclear if they’ll be around long enough to take advantage of the microscopic reduction in combat capability in a year’s time.

So just to sum up, ISIS are idiots. They’ve responded to this:



With this:


Consider us unimpressed.

-Tristan Pinnock, Blast Terrorism Analyst

Tristan's just this guy, ya know?